AUBURN, Ala. – Great to meet with you, son. And thank you kindly for having me in your home, Mr. and Mrs. Four-Star Recruit. I hope the neighbors don’t mind my bus parked outside.
As you know, I’m Gus Malzahn, tickled to death to be your head football coach at Auburn University. This fine institution has been recruiting you since junior year, and I want to show you the same faith my predecessor did that you would fit in perfectly with an orange and blue hat when you make your decision Wednesday.
Before I forget, have I mentioned Cam Newton’s on campus? Let me do that up front: Cam Newton’s on campus. Oh, here’s a DVD for you to watch when you’ve got a spare hour, “All In: The Story of Auburn’s Undefeated 2010 Season” – some great highlights on there.
Lovely coffee table, by the way. I see somebody at the university already brought you a hardcover copy of “All In: What It Takes To Be The Best”. No need to worry yourself with that. Just watch the DVD. Cam Newton’s on campus.
I wish Bruce Springsteen were here to tell you this, kid, but baby, we were born to run. Your experience in your high school’s spread attack makes you perfect for my go-go-gadget-flow offense. Never mind last year’s atrocity – that unimaginative offensive coordinator took my perfectly good rock band and forced ‘em to sing folk.
Soon as Johnson signs, I’ve got four quarterbacks ready to roll in my proven system, and once we actually pick one, I want you to help us get back to stressing out statkeepers instead of splitting their sides with laughter.
Don’t freak out about that sorry excuse for a 2012 defense, either. We’ve got four guys who’ve been coaching in the SEC since well before you were born, and they’re not gonna tolerate that clown show the Auburn family put up with last fall.
Wanna play in the NFL? We had 28 former Tigers in the League to begin last season. Only seven schools had more than us. Also, 17 first- or second-round picks the past decade. We’re a factory, kid.
Just so you know, one of those 17 superstars is on campus. You might have heard of him.
Now, there’s no doubt you’ve got a few questions.
Yes, this team had a rough go of it last year. I can’t say 3-9 didn’t happen. I can’t verify or deny the rumors about how, when, or whether the team quit on that other guy I used to work for. What I can tell you is there is more than enough talent on this roster to win, again, right now. And I want you to be a part of that. Think of it this way: you go to Alabama, they expect you to win no less than 12 games, or else. You come to Auburn, the fans will looooooove you if you help pull this program out of the pits.
Yes, those guys in crimson are pretty good. You know what they say about ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”? Forget that noise. Here, watch that DVD I handed you, and you tell me if joining them would be more fun than beating them.
Yes, I already had one assistant join my staff and bolt within three weeks. Look, if Jerry Jones were behind me in line to recruit you, no one more than me would expect you to probably pick the hat with the star on it next Wednesday. I don’t begrudge Coach Bisaccia for not being All In. I’m just glad that I’ve got the best group of nine assistants you could ask for, and NOW we’re one team with one heartbeat and one vision. Promise.
Yes, there’s still some quiet rumblings of a potential NCAA investigation and possible sanctions. That’s why I cleaned house faster than one of Cam’s 2-minute TD drives. Even the fly on the wall in Trooper’s office was fired. Besides, these NCAA probes almost never amount to anything. Do me a favor, don’t Google ‘USC Pete Carroll’ or ‘Penn State’ after I leave.
Yes, Cam Newton’s on campus. Did I mention that?
Oh, by the way, Mr. and Mrs. Recruit, that’s a beautiful baby boy you’ve got there. We’ll have him saying ‘War Eagle’ soon enough. Class of 2030, right? Figure he’ll play wide receiver or cornerback?
Aaron Brenner, firstname.lastname@example.org